Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Midas, Jun 10, 2014.
I asked her if she was a good cocksucker... and she sent me this photo in return....
I heard once that the definition of a good cocksucker is a woman who can suck a golf ball through a 50 foot hose...
The best joke ever!!!
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Being British ...
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What does it mean to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland is probably the best so far ...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.
Why was I not invited?
A Japanese tourist caught a taxi at Panepistimiou Street and asked the
taxi-driver to take him to Eleftherios Venizelos Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by, the Japanese tourist responded,"Ohhhhhhh !!!! TOYOTA !!!! Made in Japan !!!!
Very fast !!!!!".
Then another car zipped by, he said,"Ohhhhhhh !!!! NISSAN !!!!! Made in
Japan !!! Very fast !!!!!"
And another speed by, he said,"Ohhhhhhhh !!!! Mitsubishi !!!! Made in
Japan!!!! Very fast!!!!!"
At the meantime, the taxi-driver is getting very frustrated and sick of the
Upon reaching Eleftherios Venizelos-Athens Airport, he said "100 EURO
please!" The Japanese tourist was shocked and argued,"Why so expensive?
it's only a short distance" in which the Taxi-driver replied,"Ohhhhhhhh !!!!!
Taxi-meter !!!!! Made in Japan !!!!! Very fast!!!
Relaaaaaax.... Your eyes are getting heavy...
well, maybe not !!!!
And something is bouncing on my head!!!!
What knockers !!!!!
(Quote from Mell Brooks' Young Frankenstein)
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull terrier on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue."